The story behind my blog.

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15 May 2016

 

Five days ago I started a 40 day countdown to my 40h birthday.  As part of my countdown I created a list of 40 things to do before my birthday.  

 

Five days in and I’m pretty stoked to have been able to do all my dailies, signed up to learn the drums, sent a thank you card and wrote a letter to someone special.  It is that letter that has lead me to tick another item on my list, start a blog.

 

My letter was to my darling nana who slipped into her forever sleep 194 days ago.  Of course as I penned my thoughts there were tears, at times I had to pause and just let it flow.  As I wrote I felt a strong presence, it was her watching over me and at times I felt her hand on my shoulder as I revealed thoughts I hadn’t shared before. 

 

At one point I found myself looking out the window that she would look out when she stayed with us.  I found myself admiring the lights she so often commented on and then, as the cars in the distance drove by, I found myself counting them just as she did.  In that moment the lump in my throat returned and the flood gates opened…again.

 

Upon reflection, as I sit and type, and cry as I remember nana sitting at our kitchen table, I believe writing that letter was my first real step forward.  So much has changed in 194 days and at times I’ve been forced to carry on but in the back of my mind she’s always been there.  

 

Today I came across Sheryl Sandbergs speech at the UC Berkeley Commencement talking about resilience.  As I started watching it I decided to jump on the treadmill, you know, tick that one off the list for the day, so off I went. 

 

Not even 10 minutes in I realized nana was sending me a message.  She saw me the day before as I cried to my best friend at my kitchen table as I told him that she had only visited me in my dreams once that I could remember.  I shared how vivid the dream was and how I desperately tried to go back to sleep.  It was at that time he said to me that nana was always with me and she was sending me signs every day.  This I believed and this morning as I watched Sheryls speech I could certainly feel her presence.  So much so, at one point she reminded me to wipe my tears or I’d have an accident on the treadmill.     

 

As I listened I could relate to alot of what she said regarding grief, as anyone who has lost someone special would.  That void, and reservoir of grief were great ways to describe how I've felt since that day.   I believe that finding that post was a sign from nana, as was the sound of the Tui outside my house today was.  The Tui is another story for another day but another angel was with me today.  

 

I believe that I was meant to write that letter to nana. That act has made me truly accept what I've been pushing aside.  My best friends visit happened just when it was meant to as it made me say things out loud that I've only been holding in.  That post by Sheryl Sandberg helped me put a name to how I've been feeling since that Monday morning.  All of these things combined brought me here, creating this blog.

 

I don't know where this will take me but for now I'll use it as my platform to share my countdown.

 

Chapter 195, here I come.

 

With love

Ann xox